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This exchange is a postscript from the novel Squabble of the Titans: Recollections of Roosevelt and His Rivals’ Hunt for Bigfoot in the Olympic Rainforest. In the novel, Theodore Roosevelt vies with the British gentleman explorer Dr. Horace S. Browntrout for the glory of discovering bigfoot (referred to as “saysquacks”). After years spent exploring the wilderness of the Olympic rainforest, Dr. Browntrout returns home with “Stanley,” a saysquack he hopes to adopt, educate, and “improve” with the help of his wife, Effie. Finding it difficult to provide Stanley the rigorous care and training they believe he requires, they turn to a recently-opened finishing school for assistance. The Geel Finishing School for the Moral and Academic Improvement of Saysquacks was founded as a for-profit, compassionate specialty school whose mission was to “improve” waves of saysquacks moving to Europe from America. Squabble of the Titans can be found at Amazon. A sequel to Squabble of the Titans is currently in progress and being published in installments as a serial on Substack and Medium in the online magazine Dash Fire Diaries.
December 8th, 1912.
Letter from Mrs. Hannelore De Wootdaerlookin at the Geel Finishing School for the Moral and Academic Improvement of Saysquacks (or Sasquatches) in Geel, Belgium to Effie Browntrout, Wooly Acres, Exitmouth, England.
Dear Mrs. Browntrout,
I am writing you this missive to tell you of Stanley’s progress in his advancement towards humanity. Stanley is our “star” pupil, and we could not be more pleased with him. Although he still “drops scat” when he becomes over-excited, he is becoming more civilized every day. Stanley parts his hair down the middle and combs it with very few reminders. He makes the sign of the cross during prayer time. He knows at least five letters, he eats with knife and fork (we are still working on which end to use), and he wears high-waisted dungarees and a straw hat like a big boy (though because his legs are so long, and we ran out of material, they end just below the knee). Stanley received highest marks this semester for Cooperation, Participation, and Attitude.
He also excelled at Industry, Handicrafts, Friendliness, and Self Control. However, his arithmetic still needs improving. When the headmaster tried to demonstrate subtraction by taking away several sticks, Stanley became impudent and refused to give up his sticks (placing them in his mouth and then biting when attempts were made to remove them). Even so, he has only had to wear the dunce cap twice this quarter, and we have only been required to cane him once, and only because even though it was very amusing, what he did with the meat cleaver to Mr. Haverhook’s desk is simply not acceptable. We are also still working with him on Physical Grace and Obedience to Authority. I enclose his full report card with this letter, that you may know all the details of his progress.
Stanley wants so badly to be human that he attempted to shear himself. He got the idea whilst trimming the ewes during the Applied Lamb Care seminar. We attempted to stop him, but a frenzied saysquack with sharp metal shears can be difficult to control. Needless to say, we have made “lemonade from lemons” by teaching Stanley to knit using his own wool. He is most anxious for you to pronounce on the results of his efforts. We are also making a “body wig” for him, so that he may fit in better with other saysquacks during the annual photograph ceremony.
In closing, we thank you for the opportunity to improve Stanley. He adds much to our humble school, and we are ever so fond of him.
Kindly,
Mrs. Hannelore De Wootdaerlookin
December 20, 1912.
Letter from Effie Browntrout, Wooly Acres, Exitmouth, England to Mrs. Hannelore De Wootdaerlookin at the Geel Finishing School for the Moral and Academic Improvement of Saysquacks (or Sasquatches) in Geel, Belgium.
Dear Mrs. De Wootdaerlookin,
The sweater Stanley made by himself from himself looks and feels marvelous. And to think, it was not so long ago that he lost so much blood when Horace tried to teach him to shave with a straight razor. He has come so far in so short a time! I was just reading in Wooly Acres Ladies Today that the “Pompadour” style is very fashionable for both men and women. Maybe you could help enlarge Stanley’s remaining hair with some type of hair oil, so that he too could affect the make and mien of a “saysquack citizen of the world.” He also looks just darling in his sailor suit. I wager that if Little Lord Fauntleroy was a saysquack, he’d wish to be Stanley!
Horace and myself are ever so grateful for all your efforts. Stanley has become quite dear to us. He is like a son to us and a brother to our son Branwell. It would be wonderful if he learned a trade or skill and thereby complete his journey from wayward barbarism to blissful humanity, and contribute to the world which has rescued him from the heathen temperate rainforests and brought him to rest at the bosom of our miraculous industrial society. From barefooted (and bare bottomed) trepidation and ignorance, Stanley may now tread confidently shoed and shorn, trading the leafy muck of untidy decay for the smooth cobblestones of Progress. Oh, how blessed indeed are the fruits of knowledge!
Again, thank you for your efforts and patience,
Yours,
Effie Browntrout
Report Card for: Stanley Saysquack
Date: December 6, 1912
Subject of Study
Maths: Subpar. If we try to take his sticks away to demonstrate subtraction (even temporarily), Stanley will bite.
Self Control: Adequate for the occasion, except during subtraction and feeding.
Obedience: Adequate—but sometimes obstinance is noted (see Maths).
Applied Lamb Care: Excellent. All lambs under Stanley’s care are hale, hearty, and thriving.
Physical Grace: Excellent. Stanley comports himself with dignity much of the time.
Morals: Barely Adequate. Stanley still has heathen habits, but he folds his paws and bows his head at prayer time. He has yet to understand that flatulence is NOT an acceptable method of communication.
Cooperation: Excellent. Stanley always wishes to be helpful to his peers and his superiors.
Participation: Adequate. During the Annual Finger Puppet Gala, Stanley folded his arms and made a crude gesture, but this was not repeated.
Tidiness: Adequate. Stanley now washes his paws on Sunday and before select meal times. He has a difficult time with his bottom however, due to excess hirsutism.
Handicraftery: Excellent. He made a sweater using his own fur.
Industry: Excellent. Stanley is progressing in his knowledge of currency, banking, and finance, and the importance of factory labor.
Friendliness: Excellent. Stanley is always eager to bow, shake hands and give salutes (after seeing some soldiers on parade). He is always eager to ingratiate himself with his betters.
Attitude: Excellent. Stanley learns from his errors and usually accepts corrective feedback without notable distress.
Key to Marks
Excellent—Student demonstrates perfection of form and understanding.
Well Done—Student is above average in form, understanding, or both.
Well Enough—Student is perfectly average, not the best or brightest, but really quite decent.
Adequate—Student is salt of the Earth, not a master of the task at hand, but acceptable in every regard.
Barely Adequate—Student eagerly accepts correction, requires additional improvements in order to meet with success.
Subpar—Student accepts correction with great reluctance, and requires much additional improvement in both attitude and facility for the task at hand.
Abysmal—Student neither learns nor cares to learn. Student neither accepts instruction, nor correction.
